I'm more than pleased to announce that my little one slept through the ENTIRE night last night, without one bad dream! Woo hoo! She did tell me this morning that she got up to go potty, but she always goes right back to bed whenever she does, so that was okay. Just so long as she didn't come wailing into my room like her pants are on fire, and we both could get some much needed sleep, all was well.
My oldest daughter got some special, one-on-one time yesterday with my mother. She was gussied up and taken to my niece's house, to help celebrate her second-cousin's 11th birthday. Of course, I had to dip into the Christmas "stash" I have for the kids (I know, I know....stop the moaning and groaning.... yes, I HAVE started my Christmas shopping already!), to put together a quickie gift for my daughter to bring with her, but I managed just fine. I gave her a High School Musical journal, a cute little watch with changeable "covers", a case containing two small bottles of brightly colored and sparkly nail polish, and a thing of peppermint lip gloss. My daughter said she loved her present..... and that she was the only one who received a hug from her second cousin!
My daughter also came home with a nice sized blister on the bottom of her foot. Apparently, she "forgot" to put her shoes back on when she was done playing on their trampoline, and tried to stop herself from going down the incline of their driveway while riding on a scooter....by putting her bare foot on the wheel of the stupid thing! She said she didn't realize that the wheel got hot when it was moving (probably from the heat of the pavement), so she burned her foot. She was limping around here last night, until I got the chance to clean her foot up a bit and put a Band-Aid on it. This morning she said it feels much better.
It's cloudy, dark, and raining here today, which means no outdoor activities today. My oldest daughter's room is in need of a good cleaning today (I swear that child can't function properly unless her room is a bloody mess!), so she's been sent upstairs to attempt to take care of it. My littlest little is sacked out on one of our living room chairs, watching "Spongebob", and my son is still snoozing (what a life that boy has, I tell ya!).
So...for now... all's quiet on the Western front. Is it too much to ask that it stays this way? Probably.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
It's Getting Better All The Time
Hopefully, yesterday was a bit of a turning point for my little one. I was able to get her to nap in her own bed yesterday afternoon, and put her to bed for the night in her own bed, as well. She did wake up with a bad dream at about 3:00 a.m., but once again, I was able to escort her right back into bed, and comfort her enough for her to fall right back to sleep.
And that was it! Only once! Hallelujiah!
Maybe, just maybe, that was the beginning of better things to come. Let's keep our fingers crossed.
She drew me some pictures of all of her "monsters". If I can find them, I'll scan them in so you all can see them. I've got to tell you, if I ran into any of those butt-ugly things in my dreams, I'd wake up screaming bloody murder, too!
And that was it! Only once! Hallelujiah!
Maybe, just maybe, that was the beginning of better things to come. Let's keep our fingers crossed.
She drew me some pictures of all of her "monsters". If I can find them, I'll scan them in so you all can see them. I've got to tell you, if I ran into any of those butt-ugly things in my dreams, I'd wake up screaming bloody murder, too!
Monday, August 4, 2008
A Little Bit of Disturbance.... But Not Much (And, A Picture, Just for My Friend Natalie)
My little one did wind up waking up several times during the night last night. She got up once to go potty, but put herself right back to bed, after apparently coming into my room .... and I know that because I awoke to find my bedroom door wide open. I went in to check on her, though, and she was sound asleep. (She told me this morning that she came in to tell me she had to go potty -- not that I ever heard her -- and then she proceeded to go upstairs to her sister's room, but she came back down when she discovered her sister was asleep. Well, uhm, yeah... it was the middle of the night!).
She woke me up twice, too.... with the same crying, screaming fit. But, this time, I shooed her right back into her bed, tucked her in, and filled her up with kisses, hugs, and thoughts of happy dreams.
Something must have worked, because she didn't crawl into our bed once. Hopefully, this marks the beginning of some sort of breakthrough.
My friend Natalie posted pictures of her sleeping little one on her blog. If you ask me, there's nothing quite so precious as a baby sleeping. Their tiny little bodies, all nestled into a tight ball, their lips all puckery, and their cheeks all rosy. It's the closest thing to perfection that I've ever witnessed.
I don't make it a habit of posting my children's pictures on the Internet (just being a protective, paranoid Mama, I guess), but I did promise Natalie that I'd post the picture that I took of my little one's hands while she was sleeping:
Isn't that one of the most precious sights you've ever seen? She was about 12 months, and had passed out on the living room floor (ahhhh.... the days when she fell asleep anywhere!), and I decided, since she looked so cozy, to just cover her up with her taggie blanket (if you're a mom of a little one, or know a mom of a little one, or know a mom who's expecting a little one, I highly recommend one of these blankets! They're the coolest things!), and left her to sleep. Of course, she was just so darn cute, so I had to grab my camera and snap a few shots. It was then that I noticed her hands. They looked so beautiful, that I couldn't resist taking a picture of them, too. Her sweet, pudgy, little hands, grasping at something she's only seeing in her dreams.
She woke me up twice, too.... with the same crying, screaming fit. But, this time, I shooed her right back into her bed, tucked her in, and filled her up with kisses, hugs, and thoughts of happy dreams.
Something must have worked, because she didn't crawl into our bed once. Hopefully, this marks the beginning of some sort of breakthrough.
My friend Natalie posted pictures of her sleeping little one on her blog. If you ask me, there's nothing quite so precious as a baby sleeping. Their tiny little bodies, all nestled into a tight ball, their lips all puckery, and their cheeks all rosy. It's the closest thing to perfection that I've ever witnessed.
I don't make it a habit of posting my children's pictures on the Internet (just being a protective, paranoid Mama, I guess), but I did promise Natalie that I'd post the picture that I took of my little one's hands while she was sleeping:
Isn't that one of the most precious sights you've ever seen? She was about 12 months, and had passed out on the living room floor (ahhhh.... the days when she fell asleep anywhere!), and I decided, since she looked so cozy, to just cover her up with her taggie blanket (if you're a mom of a little one, or know a mom of a little one, or know a mom who's expecting a little one, I highly recommend one of these blankets! They're the coolest things!), and left her to sleep. Of course, she was just so darn cute, so I had to grab my camera and snap a few shots. It was then that I noticed her hands. They looked so beautiful, that I couldn't resist taking a picture of them, too. Her sweet, pudgy, little hands, grasping at something she's only seeing in her dreams.Too bad she can't find that object of contentment these days. Now, she just runs, screaming into my room. Sigh.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
So Far, So Good....
Well, I got my littlest little to go to bed. In her OWN bed. I had to bring in a small stuffed animal of mine, that my son bought for me (okay, so my husband bought it for him to give to me!) for Valentine's Day when he was about two. It's a cherished possession, but I'll gladly let her borrow it if that little piece of me allows her to sleep in her own bed, undisturbed.
Pray for me.
Seriously.
I'll keep you posted.
Pray for me.
Seriously.
I'll keep you posted.
The Problem With An Over-Active Imagination
My littlest little has had a REALLY tough time sleeping lately. She's woken up virtually every night (at least once a night) for the past several weeks. And, I gotta tell ya...it's getting a bit... well.... tired (sorry... couldn't resist).
That child has some imagination. Her dreams are waking her up, and they contain things like "smelly old crabs", "spiders", "big, barking dogs", and "brother".... all chasing her. She comes flying into our room like a whirling dervish, screaming her fool head off and shaking like a leaf. My heart just breaks for her, every time. That is, until she wants to crawl into bed between my husband and me. Then she becomes all legs and arms, poking me constantly with her bony little body. Just this morning, she had her feet firmly dug into my stomach. It reminded me of the final days of my pregnancy with her!
I don't know who looks more worse for wear with all of these nighttime escapades...her, or me. I know it's partly my fault. When I was sick, I'd allow her to lounge in bed with me at her leisure. It made me feel a lot more comfortable about being so immobile, knowing that she was right there with me (instead of getting into some kind of unexplained, or unimagined trouble). But now, she's gotten very used to curling up next to me and falling asleep, and she wants to do that.... EVERY NIGHT.... before she goes to bed.
I allowed her to fall asleep in our bed last night, hoping (beyond hope) that she'd be calm and comfy enough to stay asleep once I transported her into her bed. No such luck. She ran, screaming into our room at a little past midnight, still more than half asleep, and complaining that brother was yelling at her to get out of his room, and she wanted to stay outside of his room and hang out. I tried to tell this poor little soul that she was just dreaming, but she wouldn't wake up enough to understand. I laid her down next to me and she was out like a light again in minutes.
Again, at 3:45 a.m., she came running into our room. This time, I escorted her straight back into her own bed again. There's only so much comforting you can do when you're shell shocked and worn out yourself, you know?
And again... at 6:30, she was crawling in between us, trying with every fiber of her being to crawl back into the place in my body where she'd originally grown from, and bruising my stomach and lower ribs in the process.
Husband, who can sleep through a nuclear holocaust, finally had enough of her squirming and singing (which she proceeded to do at around 7:30, when she declared "it's morning time, Mama!"), and got up and escorted her out of our room.
How nice, to have the bed all to myself, with the screaming, singing, fidgeting, whirling dervish safely on the other side of the bedroom door!
If anyone has any advice to give me about how to calm this little soul down, so that we can all have a peaceful night's sleep, I'd greatly appreciate it.
That child has some imagination. Her dreams are waking her up, and they contain things like "smelly old crabs", "spiders", "big, barking dogs", and "brother".... all chasing her. She comes flying into our room like a whirling dervish, screaming her fool head off and shaking like a leaf. My heart just breaks for her, every time. That is, until she wants to crawl into bed between my husband and me. Then she becomes all legs and arms, poking me constantly with her bony little body. Just this morning, she had her feet firmly dug into my stomach. It reminded me of the final days of my pregnancy with her!
I don't know who looks more worse for wear with all of these nighttime escapades...her, or me. I know it's partly my fault. When I was sick, I'd allow her to lounge in bed with me at her leisure. It made me feel a lot more comfortable about being so immobile, knowing that she was right there with me (instead of getting into some kind of unexplained, or unimagined trouble). But now, she's gotten very used to curling up next to me and falling asleep, and she wants to do that.... EVERY NIGHT.... before she goes to bed.
I allowed her to fall asleep in our bed last night, hoping (beyond hope) that she'd be calm and comfy enough to stay asleep once I transported her into her bed. No such luck. She ran, screaming into our room at a little past midnight, still more than half asleep, and complaining that brother was yelling at her to get out of his room, and she wanted to stay outside of his room and hang out. I tried to tell this poor little soul that she was just dreaming, but she wouldn't wake up enough to understand. I laid her down next to me and she was out like a light again in minutes.
Again, at 3:45 a.m., she came running into our room. This time, I escorted her straight back into her own bed again. There's only so much comforting you can do when you're shell shocked and worn out yourself, you know?
And again... at 6:30, she was crawling in between us, trying with every fiber of her being to crawl back into the place in my body where she'd originally grown from, and bruising my stomach and lower ribs in the process.
Husband, who can sleep through a nuclear holocaust, finally had enough of her squirming and singing (which she proceeded to do at around 7:30, when she declared "it's morning time, Mama!"), and got up and escorted her out of our room.
How nice, to have the bed all to myself, with the screaming, singing, fidgeting, whirling dervish safely on the other side of the bedroom door!
If anyone has any advice to give me about how to calm this little soul down, so that we can all have a peaceful night's sleep, I'd greatly appreciate it.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Time To Lighten It Up A Bit
So, I found this "tag" while blog-surfing, and I thought it was a cool thing to do. As it is with all of my tags... those who choose to participate, let me know you're doing it by leaving a message for me (so I can read yours, too). Those who don't... I promise I won't hold it against you! :)
Listed below are 200 random activities. The ones I've done are listed in bold.
1. Touched an iceberg
2. Slept under the stars
3. Been a part of a hockey fight
4. Changed a baby's diaper
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Swam with wild dolphins
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a tarantula
10. Said "I love you" and meant it
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long and watched the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
20. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Bet on a winning horse
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Taken an ice cold bath
28. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Ridden a roller coaster
31. Hit a home run (in kickball)
32. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
33. Adopted an accent for fun
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Felt very happy about your life, even for just a moment
36. Loved your job 90% of the time
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Watched wild whales
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Gone on a midnight walk on the beach
41. Gone sky diving
42. Visited Ireland
43. Ever bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited India
45. Bench-pressed your own weight
46. Milked a cow
47. Alphabetized your personal files
48. Ever worn a superhero costume
49. Sung karaoke
50. Lounged around in bed all day
51. Gone scuba diving
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Done something you should regret, but don't
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Been in a movie
60. Gone without food for 3 days
61. Made cookies from scratch
62. Won first prize in a costume contest
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Been in a combat zone
65. Spoken more than one language fluently
66. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
67. Bounced a check
68. Read - and understood - your credit report
69. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
70. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
71. Called or written your Congress person
72. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
73. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
74. Helped an animal give birth
75. Been fired or laid off from a job
76. Won money
77. Broken a bone
78. Ridden a motorcycle
79. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
80. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
81. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
82. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
83. Eaten sushi
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read The Bible cover to cover
86. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
87. Gotten someone fired for their actions
88. Gone back to school
89. Changed your name
90. Caught a fly in the air with your bare hands
91. Eaten fried green tomatoes
92. Read The Iliad or the Odyssey
93. Taught yourself an art from scratch
94. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
95. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
96. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
97. Been elected to public office
98. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
99. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
100. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
101. Had a booth at a street fair
102. Dyed your hair
103. Been a DJ
104. Rocked a baby to sleep
105. Ever dropped a cat from a high place to see if it really lands on all fours
106. Raked your carpet
107. Brought out the best in people
108. Brought out the worst in people
109. Worn a mood ring
110. Ridden a horse
111. Carved an animal from a piece of wood or bar of soap
112. Cooked a dish where four people asked for the recipe
113. Buried a child (I didn't bury one, but I lost the twin of one of my babies early in my pregnancy)
114. Gone to a Broadway play
115. Been inside the pyramids
116. Shot a basketball into a basket
117. Danced at a disco
118. Played in a band
119. Shot a bird
120. Gone to an arboretum
121. Tutored someone
122. Ridden a train
123. Brought an old fad back into style
124. Eaten caviar
125. Let a salesman talk you into something you didn’t need
126. Ridden a giraffe or elephant
127. Published a book
128. Pieced a quilt
129. Lived in an historic place
130. Acted in a play or performed on a stage
131. Asked for a raise
132. Made a hole in the wall
133. Gone deep sea fishing
134. Gone roller skating
135. Run a marathon
136. Learned to surf
137. Invented something
138. Flown first class
139. Spent the night in a 5-star luxury suite
140. Flown in a helicopter
141. Visited Africa
142. Sang a solo
143. Gone spelunking
144. Learned how to take a compliment
145. Written a love-story
146. Seen Michelangelo’s David
147. Had your portrait painted
148. Written a fan letter
149. Spent the night in something haunted
150. Owned a St. Bernard or Great Dane
151. Ran away
152. Learned to juggle
153. Been a boss
154. Sat on a jury
155. Lied about your weight
156. Gone on a diet
157. Found an arrowhead or a gold nugget
158. Written a poem
159. Carried your lunch in a lunchbox
160. Gotten food poisoning
161. Gone on a service, humanitarian or religious mission
162. Hiked the Grand Canyon
163. Sat on a park bench and fed the ducks
164. Gone to the opera
165. Gotten a letter from someone famous
166. Worn knickers
167. Ridden in a limousine
168. Attended the Olympics
169. Can hula or waltz
170. Read a half dozen Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys books
171. Been stuck in an elevator
172. Had a revelatory dream
173. Thought you might crash in an airplane
174. Had a song dedicated to you on the radio or at a concert
175. Saved someone’s life
176. Eaten raw whale
177. Know how to tat, smock or do needlepoint
178. Laughed till your side hurt
179. Straddled the equator
180. Taken a photograph of something other than people that is worth framing
181. Gone to a Shakespeare Festival
182. Sent a message in a bottle
183. Spent the night in a hotel
184. Been a cashier
185. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
186. Joined a union-and quit a union
187. Donated blood or plasma
188. Built a campfire
189. Kept a blog
190. Had hives
191. Worn custom made shoes or boots
192. Made a PowerPoint presentation
193. Taken a Hunter’s Safety Course
194. Served at a soup kitchen
195. Conquered the Rubik’s cube (only once, and quite by accident!)
196. Know CPR
197. Ridden in or owned a convertible
198. Found a long lost friend
199. Helped solve a crime
200. Responded to this post
Listed below are 200 random activities. The ones I've done are listed in bold.
1. Touched an iceberg
2. Slept under the stars
3. Been a part of a hockey fight
4. Changed a baby's diaper
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Swam with wild dolphins
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a tarantula
10. Said "I love you" and meant it
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long and watched the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
20. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Bet on a winning horse
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Taken an ice cold bath
28. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Ridden a roller coaster
31. Hit a home run (in kickball)
32. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
33. Adopted an accent for fun
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Felt very happy about your life, even for just a moment
36. Loved your job 90% of the time
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Watched wild whales
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Gone on a midnight walk on the beach
41. Gone sky diving
42. Visited Ireland
43. Ever bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited India
45. Bench-pressed your own weight
46. Milked a cow
47. Alphabetized your personal files
48. Ever worn a superhero costume
49. Sung karaoke
50. Lounged around in bed all day
51. Gone scuba diving
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Done something you should regret, but don't
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Been in a movie
60. Gone without food for 3 days
61. Made cookies from scratch
62. Won first prize in a costume contest
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Been in a combat zone
65. Spoken more than one language fluently
66. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
67. Bounced a check
68. Read - and understood - your credit report
69. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
70. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
71. Called or written your Congress person
72. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
73. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
74. Helped an animal give birth
75. Been fired or laid off from a job
76. Won money
77. Broken a bone
78. Ridden a motorcycle
79. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
80. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
81. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
82. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
83. Eaten sushi
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read The Bible cover to cover
86. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
87. Gotten someone fired for their actions
88. Gone back to school
89. Changed your name
90. Caught a fly in the air with your bare hands
91. Eaten fried green tomatoes
92. Read The Iliad or the Odyssey
93. Taught yourself an art from scratch
94. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
95. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
96. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
97. Been elected to public office
98. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
99. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
100. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
101. Had a booth at a street fair
102. Dyed your hair
103. Been a DJ
104. Rocked a baby to sleep
105. Ever dropped a cat from a high place to see if it really lands on all fours
106. Raked your carpet
107. Brought out the best in people
108. Brought out the worst in people
109. Worn a mood ring
110. Ridden a horse
111. Carved an animal from a piece of wood or bar of soap
112. Cooked a dish where four people asked for the recipe
113. Buried a child (I didn't bury one, but I lost the twin of one of my babies early in my pregnancy)
114. Gone to a Broadway play
115. Been inside the pyramids
116. Shot a basketball into a basket
117. Danced at a disco
118. Played in a band
119. Shot a bird
120. Gone to an arboretum
121. Tutored someone
122. Ridden a train
123. Brought an old fad back into style
124. Eaten caviar
125. Let a salesman talk you into something you didn’t need
126. Ridden a giraffe or elephant
127. Published a book
128. Pieced a quilt
129. Lived in an historic place
130. Acted in a play or performed on a stage
131. Asked for a raise
132. Made a hole in the wall
133. Gone deep sea fishing
134. Gone roller skating
135. Run a marathon
136. Learned to surf
137. Invented something
138. Flown first class
139. Spent the night in a 5-star luxury suite
140. Flown in a helicopter
141. Visited Africa
142. Sang a solo
143. Gone spelunking
144. Learned how to take a compliment
145. Written a love-story
146. Seen Michelangelo’s David
147. Had your portrait painted
148. Written a fan letter
149. Spent the night in something haunted
150. Owned a St. Bernard or Great Dane
151. Ran away
152. Learned to juggle
153. Been a boss
154. Sat on a jury
155. Lied about your weight
156. Gone on a diet
157. Found an arrowhead or a gold nugget
158. Written a poem
159. Carried your lunch in a lunchbox
160. Gotten food poisoning
161. Gone on a service, humanitarian or religious mission
162. Hiked the Grand Canyon
163. Sat on a park bench and fed the ducks
164. Gone to the opera
165. Gotten a letter from someone famous
166. Worn knickers
167. Ridden in a limousine
168. Attended the Olympics
169. Can hula or waltz
170. Read a half dozen Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys books
171. Been stuck in an elevator
172. Had a revelatory dream
173. Thought you might crash in an airplane
174. Had a song dedicated to you on the radio or at a concert
175. Saved someone’s life
176. Eaten raw whale
177. Know how to tat, smock or do needlepoint
178. Laughed till your side hurt
179. Straddled the equator
180. Taken a photograph of something other than people that is worth framing
181. Gone to a Shakespeare Festival
182. Sent a message in a bottle
183. Spent the night in a hotel
184. Been a cashier
185. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
186. Joined a union-and quit a union
187. Donated blood or plasma
188. Built a campfire
189. Kept a blog
190. Had hives
191. Worn custom made shoes or boots
192. Made a PowerPoint presentation
193. Taken a Hunter’s Safety Course
194. Served at a soup kitchen
195. Conquered the Rubik’s cube (only once, and quite by accident!)
196. Know CPR
197. Ridden in or owned a convertible
198. Found a long lost friend
199. Helped solve a crime
200. Responded to this post
The Long Ride Home (Part 5)
Sunday, August 20, 1989.
That's the day when life, as I knew it, changed forever.
That was also the morning after my father's emergency surgery had taken place; a procedure to repair what we all thought was a hiatal hernia, only to discover that it was cancer, riddling through his body, that was making him all swollen, and sick... and dying.
My father was dying.
My husband and I awoke quite early that morning. Instead of having a house full of noise and activity, it was dead quiet. Instead of going downstairs to a table bursting with people who had taken their fill of the huge selection of breakfast foods, prepared by whichever able hands reached the kitchen first, the table was empty. In fact, the whole house was empty, offering up an eerie quiet that gave me the heebies, and made me want to rush out of there even more quickly... even though I knew full well what the terrible reality was that waiting for me back home.
My father was in a hospital bed, recovering from a useless, senseless surgery.
My father was dying.
He had been cut open in a straight line, from the tip of his pubic area to the bottom of his navel, only to discover that his stomach was swollen to three times its normal size, and his liver was three-quarters full of cancer.
My father.
The (useless) surgery had allowed oxygen to hit all of those nasty cancer cells, making it spread like a California wildfire gone completely out of control.
Dying.
There was nothing they could do, but to close him back up, and start him on chemo, and radiation, and morphine.
And let him die.
The thoughts whirled through my head like a virus, hitting every nerve, every vessel, every orifice until I felt as if I were suffocating from it. Drowning from the inside out. Wanting to scream bloody murder and cry until there were no more tears.
I wanted, so badly, to wake up from this horrible nightmare. To come to like Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz, only to find out I'd gotten a bump in the back of my head that knocked me unconscious, and that really, everything was bright, and beautiful, and just as it always had been. The real nightmare was discovering that the only thing that was cracking me in the back of the head was an overdose of reality.
I walked around the house in a daze, picking things up and packing them away. My husband and I barely talked those days... we were at the end of a really bad marriage, and in my heart, I'd hoped (beyond hope) that this time away would rekindle our relationship somehow. But, karma's a real bitch. What happened in the course of the three days we'd been there put all of that on the back burner. I was far too stressed, too worried, and too tired, thinking about the fate of both my father and mother, to worry about what was going on with my own relationship. The mess that was the tail-end of my bad marriage was going to just have to wait.
Three days. That's all the time we'd spent in that cottage. We'd arrived on a Friday night, giddy for the time away from work, and the time to spend with each other. Here we were, just three short days later, leaving on a Sunday morning, knowing that what we were heading back to was far worse than the jobs, and the life, we'd both have to return to.
The drive home was excruciating. I don't think I spoke three words the entire time we were in the car together. I can't remember whether I'd been talked to, either. The only thing I could think about was the course of events that had unraveled everyone's lives over the past three days, which ultimately led to my father, the strongest, proudest, most stoic man I'd ever known, being laid up in a hospital bed. Dying.
We got back into the city about an hour and a half after leaving Cape Cod. The stagnant heat from the pavement and the buildings shoved close together in the ground hit us like a wall when we got out of the car. I so wished I could go back to the beach. I'd love to go for a quick swim in the ocean, and feel the warm salty breeze on my face. But I knew, somehow, that I'd never return to that place again.
I also knew that a super-sized dose of reality was calling, and whether or not I was ready, willing, or able to....I had to answer.
That's the day when life, as I knew it, changed forever.
That was also the morning after my father's emergency surgery had taken place; a procedure to repair what we all thought was a hiatal hernia, only to discover that it was cancer, riddling through his body, that was making him all swollen, and sick... and dying.
My father was dying.
My husband and I awoke quite early that morning. Instead of having a house full of noise and activity, it was dead quiet. Instead of going downstairs to a table bursting with people who had taken their fill of the huge selection of breakfast foods, prepared by whichever able hands reached the kitchen first, the table was empty. In fact, the whole house was empty, offering up an eerie quiet that gave me the heebies, and made me want to rush out of there even more quickly... even though I knew full well what the terrible reality was that waiting for me back home.
My father was in a hospital bed, recovering from a useless, senseless surgery.
My father was dying.
He had been cut open in a straight line, from the tip of his pubic area to the bottom of his navel, only to discover that his stomach was swollen to three times its normal size, and his liver was three-quarters full of cancer.
My father.
The (useless) surgery had allowed oxygen to hit all of those nasty cancer cells, making it spread like a California wildfire gone completely out of control.
Dying.
There was nothing they could do, but to close him back up, and start him on chemo, and radiation, and morphine.
And let him die.
The thoughts whirled through my head like a virus, hitting every nerve, every vessel, every orifice until I felt as if I were suffocating from it. Drowning from the inside out. Wanting to scream bloody murder and cry until there were no more tears.
I wanted, so badly, to wake up from this horrible nightmare. To come to like Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz, only to find out I'd gotten a bump in the back of my head that knocked me unconscious, and that really, everything was bright, and beautiful, and just as it always had been. The real nightmare was discovering that the only thing that was cracking me in the back of the head was an overdose of reality.
I walked around the house in a daze, picking things up and packing them away. My husband and I barely talked those days... we were at the end of a really bad marriage, and in my heart, I'd hoped (beyond hope) that this time away would rekindle our relationship somehow. But, karma's a real bitch. What happened in the course of the three days we'd been there put all of that on the back burner. I was far too stressed, too worried, and too tired, thinking about the fate of both my father and mother, to worry about what was going on with my own relationship. The mess that was the tail-end of my bad marriage was going to just have to wait.
Three days. That's all the time we'd spent in that cottage. We'd arrived on a Friday night, giddy for the time away from work, and the time to spend with each other. Here we were, just three short days later, leaving on a Sunday morning, knowing that what we were heading back to was far worse than the jobs, and the life, we'd both have to return to.
The drive home was excruciating. I don't think I spoke three words the entire time we were in the car together. I can't remember whether I'd been talked to, either. The only thing I could think about was the course of events that had unraveled everyone's lives over the past three days, which ultimately led to my father, the strongest, proudest, most stoic man I'd ever known, being laid up in a hospital bed. Dying.
We got back into the city about an hour and a half after leaving Cape Cod. The stagnant heat from the pavement and the buildings shoved close together in the ground hit us like a wall when we got out of the car. I so wished I could go back to the beach. I'd love to go for a quick swim in the ocean, and feel the warm salty breeze on my face. But I knew, somehow, that I'd never return to that place again.
I also knew that a super-sized dose of reality was calling, and whether or not I was ready, willing, or able to....I had to answer.
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